Precious moments and FOMO

I’ve turned down lots of invitations. I’ve made lots of apologies. I’m lucky I’m still getting invited.

While most parents get to spend every weekend with their offspring, I only get half. So every minute of my weekends with my child is precious.

This year is a big year for many of my friends – the year many of us turn 40. But I’m repeatedly turning down invitations because they involve daytime activities without children, and I feel that I should be there for my daughter at weekends.

It’s not about getting childcare. She and I have a supportive family with lots of people who help us out and love spending time with her. It’s simply that if I don’t see her at the weekends, and I’m working four days a week, then when will I see her? Whenever she’s away from me at weekends, the next day she looks up at me and asks, heart-meltingingly: “Why don’t we get to see each other much?” 

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve had the conversation “Sorry you've got childcare problems.” Sometimes I bother to explain that it’s no about finding childcare, it’s about being there for my daughter. Other times I just shrug and say “maybe next time.”

Fear of missing out

I’ve been conscious of the preciousness of these days throughout my daughter’s four years of life. As a single parent, there have been lots of occasions I missed out on. But while a few years ago the FOMO would have got the better of me, I’ve tried to look at what I have. It’s a kind of growing up – learning to appreciate the good things in my life and accept that I have to make sacrifices to have them. Mostly I’m OK with that. 

Photo by George via Flickr Creative Commons

For every missed party has been a bevy of beautiful moments – cuddles, tickles, milestones, the funny, profound and downright crazy things she says to me. Family life simply means you can’t do everything anymore. That’s not just something for single mums, that’s all of us. To be apart from her, by choice, on some of the few days we have together feels wrong.

I struggle to work out if I’m doing the right thing. Is this what a good mother does, or am I being a sap? Am I letting down my friends (who will only turn 40 once) and being overprotective? Am I allowing myself to be manipulated by a four-year-old?

Please just keep on inviting me. I'll come when I can. 

It’s not baby brain – it’s overload

There’s this myth that having a child affects women’s brains, and not just in the short term – the idea that bringing a child into the world makes you more stupid, permanently.

I have had a child. And I can attest that I have not suffered from ‘baby brain’. It is hugely stressful and busy and complicated. And sleep deprivation in the early days means I may not exactly have been firing on all cylinders. But I’m pretty sure it has not affected my brain function in any way.

I realise I'm only a test case of one, but I have lots of friends with children who manage to continue with very demanding jobs. 

Baby brain in pregnancy

I thought that 30 seconds of Googling would yield some research proving that 'baby brain' was a load of rubbish. Annoyingly, I actually found the opposite. But once upon a time I was a journalist, and we never let facts get in the way of a good story. 

Apparently pregnant women’s brains do operate differently. They use the right sides of their brains more, possibly to help prepare them to bond with their child. You can read about it in the Telegraph.

So yeah, OK pregnant women's brains are different (that still doesn't make them stupid).

But it's the insidious use of the phrase ‘baby brain’ way beyond pregnancy has me worried. I have a theory.

The real baby brain

When you have a child the amount of stuff your brain is dealing with is at least doubled. 

Take getting up in the morning. Previously you only had to think about getting yourself up in the morning and showered and dressed and have breakfast. Now you have to do that for a whole extra person, probably without much additional time. And that assumes they are cooperating (they never cooperate).

It’s not that your brain is in anyway impaired by your childbearing, but it is trying juggle a lot more plates and so, inevitably, it’s allowed the occasional slip-up.

Also, when you don’t have a child you might go out the work for the day, then come home and relax with a cup of tea. No more. As soon as I get home I have to go straight into feeding, bathing, and putting my child to bed, then preparing for the next day. There’s not a lot of time for recovery.

As a mother, your brain has not turned to mush. It’s probably working much harder and accomplishing much more than it has ever had to before. Don't insult it.

Blaming it on the baby

There’s nothing wrong with using pregnancy to excuse a bit of minor scattiness. But I regularly hear women who have young children referring to some piece of forgetfulness  as ‘baby brain’ - I've never heard a man say it. 

We can’t afford to go around suggesting that having babies makes us more stupid. The logical conclusion to this would be that mothers shouldn't be allowed to make their own decisions, take charge of a car, vote in an election. 

Maybe I'm being flippant, but equality is hard-won, and feminism still has work to do. By blaming it on the baby we girlishly suggest that power should be handed back to the patriarchy. It's a dangerous excuse.

Hands-on parenting

The phrase 'hands-on father' was something from my childhood.

In the past, fathers had very little to do with child-rearing. Then we had feminism, and gradually 'being a dad' became more than just a label. It became about actually doing stuff with children. Looking after them, even.

For those of us who grew up in the 80s, dads had different levels of involvement - some were 'hands on' while others literally never saw the inside of a nappy.

But that was 30 years ago.

Using your hands

The other day, my friend described someone as a "hands-on dad". We got to talking about this.

"No one ever called anyone a 'hands-on mum'", she said. "You're just a mum."

Parenting a child is first and foremost a hands-on task. You can read as many books about child development as you like, you can even put some of the theories into practice. But you still have to carry them about when they can't walk, bathe them, change their nappies and put food into them in a very hands-on kind of way.

I write this whilst simultaneously using my hands to entertain a toddler, keep her away from the wrapped-up Christmas presents and prevent her from injuring herself on the furniture.

Men can't breastfeed. And they might not have the same connection to a tiny baby that the mother who carried it for nine months has. But apart from that, a lot of the work of child-rearing can be shared.

Stay-at-home dad Michael Verhoef
with his eight-week-old daughters. 

Choosing to help

If a father isn't going to be hands-on, that basically means that the mother has to do all the work.

Describing a dad as 'hands-on' suggests that this is somehow an option. And as 2014 draws to a close, it really shouldn't be.

There are lots of dads out there who are fantastic with their children, who don't think twice about changing nappies, clearing up widely dispersed Weetabix, averting suicide attempts and reading That's Not My Duck seven times in a row. Better still, there are dads who do these things and don't expect their partners to thank them for it. They are real - I've met some of them.

Then there are the dads who do those things but expect some kind of recognition - like looking after their own child for a day deserves a medal. And then there are the other ones, who do pretty much diddly squat for their own children. After all, that's women's work.

I hope the day comes when the phrase 'hands on father' ceases to be used, because most fathers fulfil this brief. I hope it comes soon.